Kanchi didi

It’s a cold and dull and dreary Monday evening and my heart hurts. It’s 5:38 pm and my heart just hurts. As I sit and watch her desperately trying to warm her hands by engulfing the warm cup of tea in her palms, my heart hurts. As I sit and watch her take super tiny bites of the choco pie that I gave her a few minutes back, my heart hurts.

22 year old Kanchi didi came to visit us today. She used to render her helping hands in our daily household chores before she got married away to a guy in Nuwakot. Her mom had tears in her eyes when she bid her daughter a good bye hoping and praying to the gods above for Kanchi’s better life in her husband’s house, hoping that she will no longer need to go to people’s houses to work. But as I saw her today, I realized that Kanchi didi’s mother’s prayers did not turn out very well. I realized that when I saw her sitting with bare curled up toes in this chilly weather. I realized that when I saw her sitting there showering us with a fake smile while sporting red swollen teary eyes. Not being able to control myself and keeping my agitation aside, I asked her “Hajur lai ghar ma maya ta garnu huncha ni?” and when she answered with a slight smile on her face “ahh maya ta garnu huncha”, I somewhat felt a wave of relief pass over me. However, that was not enough for me. Seeing her transform did not make me feel any good. A girl who used to be so lively, a girl who used to be so hell-bent on smiling every damn day, a girl who used to giggle at everything I used to do was now merely even smiling. I noticed a cloud floating over her head. A cloud of sadness. As I spent every second, every minute observing her, I felt my heart break a little. From a happy go lucky person to a discontented person, from a peppy little lady to an apathetic serious woman, I saw a different person in Kanchi didi today. And trust me when I say that this change was not a good change.

And even though I broke down a little when she said, “malai gauu ma eklai huda hajur ko jhaljhali yaad aucha”, I learnt one very important thing. Often times, the realization about just how amazingly beautiful life is hits us too late. We don’t realize how privileged we actually are, all we do is complain about trivial things when people out there are struggling with real life problems and are still happy to at least be living. I know all of us have problems, huge ass problems. And I know that sometimes it feels like nothing is working out and everything is just passing by and you feel like you will never get out of the sadness but trust me when I say that these dark phases never last for long. These are just phases and we just need to fight it off with our goddamn beautiful smile. Let us all learn to be happy, just blissfully, impeccably and ecstatically happy. That is completely enough.